One Last Composition
by MeganxDegrassi
Summary: Eli's last letter to Adam before he commits suicide, the last thing he'll ever compose.


**A/N: OKAY, So, this was kind of upsetting, I'm not going to lie. But, it felt SOOOO GOOD to write. Like, you don't even know. So, the setting for the most part, is the current day Degrassi, except Eli never got better after Love Roulette. I hope you enjoy.**

_Adam, _

_ Hey._

_ I'd like to say congratulations, because you are the receiver of my very last composition. Though there's nothing to really be congratulatory about with this letter. It's not going to be anything worth reading twice, it's not going to be my greatest work ever, and it may be filled with grammatical and structural errors, but please bear with me. _

_ Adam, this is the very last thing I will write, because today is my last day on this God-forsaken planet. I'm sitting here next to a fully loaded gun, trying to compose my thoughts into one letter; a letter I want you to have. That's why it's written to you, of course. If you're asking "Why?" why this is to you, don't worry, I'll get there, be patient. _

_ First, don't ask where I got the gun, it's unimportant._

_ Second, I want you to know that I've held on for so long, spending my sleepless nights wondering when I'd actually have the courage to do this; to end my life. I want you to know it's not anyone's fault. Well, no one's fault but my own. I'm a fuck up, although no one dares to say that to my face. I've hurt every single person I've ever come in contact with. _

_ That's one reason why my death won't matter. _

My _death _won't_ matter. That's why I don't want anyone to be sad, why I don't want any tears to be shed. I'm not telling you or anyone else not to cry, I'm just saying that I don't _want_ it. I'm just a tiny blip on the face of the earth; a tiny blip destroying the lives of many others who can actually make things of themselves. I can't do that anymore. I'm sick of my mind telling me that everything's fine when it's not! I'm sick of this feeling of anger and upset that has haunted me for so long. I'm sick of this lack of reality my mind seems to have because of all the sleep my body refuses to get. _

_ I know there's probably a million other people out there who have it worse than me, I mean look, I have two parents, a best friend, and a passion to hold on to. But, I can't do this anymore. Plus, you know me, always doing things I shouldn't be. Writing used to be my escape; it would take me places I could only dream of going. But, now I can only find a sickening feeling from every word that my mind creates. _

_ Thirdly, Adam, there are a few things I would like you to do for me, but if they're too much of a burden to do, then don't. Your life is much too upbeat and potentially filled to be burdened by my meaningless deeds. If you don't mind, I thank you in advance._

_ Rumour has it that I'm obsessed with death. Adam, tell those rumours that they're right! I am obsessed with death, MY DEATH! It's giving me chills, thinking about how I am going to do this. Where will the barrel of the gun be when I pull the trigger? Will it be placed by my ear, killing me quickly? Will it be placed between my eyes, fogging my sight with red right before I black out completely? Will it be inside my mouth, cursing every word that has ever slipped out and hurt the ones I love? Or, will it be right over my torn-to-pieces, uncaring, and cold heart?_

_ Decisions, decisions._

_ Adam, tell Clare that I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything. I caused her so much pain for absolutely nothing! Tell her that I never stopped loving her. Tell her about how I don't want her to cry, because I'm not worth it. Tell her I'm sorry I ever interrupted her bright life and that I hope I haven't done anything to alter her bright future. Let her know that she was on my mind until the very last nanosecond. Make sure she lives her life as she should. She should pretend she never even knew Eli Goldsworthy. It'd be for the best. But mostly, make sure her gorgeous blue eyes keep smiling._

_ Tell Imogen that she strung my life along much longer than I initially planned. Tell her that there is, or was, some part of me that wishes we could have survived in a relationship. Make sure she knows that our ability to be friends made me as happy as my being would let me. Tell her to keep up with her art—she's a natural. Let her know that she is beautiful and unique, because I'm not sure that she's aware._

_ Tell Fiona that everything's going to be fine. That she'll make it through any lows that she thinks she hit. Tell her that her struggles and abilities to get passed said struggles were things that I could look up to, things that kept me here for a while longer. Tell her that she's amazing, and that you think so, too. _

_ Make sure Bullfrog and CeCe know that it's not their fault; I wouldn't let them help me until it was too late. They are wonderful people, and I want them to live a happy life after the burden of my life and my problems leaves like a weight off their shoulders. Don't let them blame themselves because I know they will. Tell them to blame me, their incapable, and unkempt, messed up excuse for a son. I know they'll take it harshly, but tell them I don't want them to. Make sure they know that I loved them with every part of my being and that I am, or was, well aware and grateful for their return of that love and of their support._

_ Last, but not least, Adam, I want you to know a few things. I want you to know that every part of me that is in the right mind _knows _that you deserve happiness. Don't blame yourself for what has happened to me. Adam, you're the receiver of this letter because of how much you've done for me. You are honestly and undoubtedly _the_ best friend a guy could ask for, and you've always stuck by my side. Thank you. I'm sorry for the pain this may lead you to. Just remember, I don't want you to be pained or upset about this. Save your tears for someone who's worth it, because I'm sure as Hell not that person. _

_ It upsets me, knowing that I won't be able to hear your sarcastic remarks or funny jokes; that you'll never be able to make me smile again. It pains me to know that I won't be able to look into to Clare's beautiful eyes, or see Imogen's breath-taking smile ever again. It hurts, knowing I won't be able to have much needed conversations with Fiona and that I'm never going to be able to hug my mother or my father ever again. I wish these upsets and pains were enough to keep me here. But, it's just not working anymore. I'm sorry. _

_ And with that, Adam, I say my final goodbye to you, my friend. My final goodbye to everyone. _

_ In the words of Shakespeare, "Be absolute for death; either death or life shall thereby be sweeter." My death will be sweeter, not only for me, but for everyone. That's the plan; to make everyone's lives worth living, sparing one that doesn't need to be here anymore. _

_ Please, forget Eli Goldsworthy ever existed. That goes for everyone. _

_ I will mail you this letter before I commit my crime, so my blood doesn't create any illegibility. _

_ Goodbye,  
Your Best Friend,  
Elijah Goldsworthy._

**A/N: How was it? It was emotional to write, haha. But I hope it was a "good read." Uhm yes. So, A short story could probably rise from this, so if anyone's interested in reading about Adam receiving the note, let me know. ;). Okay, review, please, and check out my other stories? Okay, thanks for reading (: byeee**


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